Conversations: In-person interaction is not always smooth sailing

When was the last time you had a deep, meaningful conversation?

Not just a Snapchat exchange where nothing was said or a passing “Hey, how are you?” without waiting for an answer, but a conversation in which you learned something about the other person or yourself.

We might feel that these types of connections are tedious and uncomfortable, but we may underestimate the importance of these interactions for our success and overall well-being.

Our human history and development have been based on just these types of deep interactions.

There may be uncomfortable pauses, a search for how to carry the conversation forward and an overall confusion about how to dive in, but the value of this style of interdependence has been essential in our growth and flourishing.

Learning how to approach and support meaningful conversations may feel awkward at first but may lead to overall greater life satisfaction, well-being and a sense of connectedness—far more so, at least, than maintaining the superficial disconnect that is so frequently a feature of our daily lives.

**Start with curiosity.**

Take a moment and think of one person in your life that you would like to know more about. Perhaps it is a classmate or your roommate.

Maybe you have learned small facts about them but are interested in who they might be on a deeper level. It likely takes less courage than you estimate to begin to inquire about this person. You can craft your questions around curiosity, not interrogations, holding in mind your desire to connect. Imagine leading with “I’d really like to know you more” or “There’s so much I realized I didn’t know about you.”

**Listen and engage.**

After you have stepped forward with curiosity, take the time to listen intently and formulate your response after their answer. I am sure you know the feeling of people “listening to respond.” This style of communicating often makes us feel dismissed and unimportant.

But this is not the purpose of our conversation so, thankfully, you are likely to avoid this unwanted outcome. You may wish to answer your own question and, if it feels like a way to build your relationship, go ahead and share.

**Lean into the awkward.**

When you start to seek conversations, you might feel really uncomfortable. This might be a skill you haven’t practiced or, truly, might have limited experience with across your life. If you are willing, lean into it. Remember the outcome you are aiming for: connection. We are meant to have face-to-face conversations (without the aid of a device) as there is a wealth of information that is shared beyond the words we choose.

Studies have shown that we have more fear going into a conversation than is likely needed but a major payoff when we finish.

I encourage you to consider seeking these kinds of conversations with new people and familiar people alike.

You will find that you have more frequent experiences of fulfillment and satisfaction than when you live in the regret of not having them. You might surprise yourself. Consider the app Gottman Card Decks for prompts related to deepening your understanding of a partner or close friend (these are geared toward romantic partners but have great conversation starters for any relationship).