By Riley Drew and Liam Adam
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As current CSB and SJU underclassmen dream of where they’ll live as seniors, we felt obliged to set the facts straight and layout what households hold the greatest value to its inhabitants, dwellers or tenants. We took several factors into consideration when evaluating properties: amenities, number of bedrooms, living space, bathrooms, history, curb appeal, opportunities to get to know and engage in discussions with the St. Joseph Police Department, location, ability to rage and many other intangibles. With that being said, let’s dive in.

Starting with No. 6: The Creamery Lofts (Creams). What lands Creams in the prestige of the top six? Easy. It’s the neighbors. Nope, not the fact that living in the Creams gives you great Bennies and Johnnies in your building—it’s the neighbors just across the street. That’s right, we’re talking about Kwik Trip. Creams is the closest off-campus housing facility to the universally beloved KT. Since its opening in 2017, St. Joseph Kwik Trip has taken “Joe Town” by storm, steam rolling the competition and not looking back. At the Creams, you are just a stumble away from the most popular A-Bar in St. Joe.

Coming in at No. 5 is The Pool House, and who better to reveal its hidden secrets than through one of the infamous Beards and Brews anchors, Mr. Luke Olley. “105 W Ash has gone by many names over the years. In the ‘80s it was the Haunted House, and in the ‘90s it was the Brown Eye. But to us, it’s The Pool House. I believe The Pool House to be among the highest quality houses in St. Joseph. It has an incredible landlord, spacious living rooms, 4.5 bedrooms, a basement with laundry machines and a dishwasher. The only downside is that there’s one bathroom and it’s on the first floor. It is equidistant to all main establishments in town, as well as being a jump, skip and a hop away from Kwik Trip. But the cherry on top—or should we say ground—is the carpet. In The Pool House you are greeted everyday by the same beautiful red and black carpet that adorns the floor of Gary’s. Maybe that’s why we eat pizza so often?” -Luke Olley

Amenities and location bring the Asylum in at No. 4. A spacious basement with a bottle breaking room, pong room and a washer and dryer are lovely features. If Asylum was any closer to campus it would be considered on-campus housing, so this prime location has the perks of being on-campus while still being off-campus.

White House is in the hole for our housing lineup. There are several superb features of this house, which is why it sits fairly high on the leaderboard at No. 3. The positives begin with its location. Come one of our favorite holidays, National Star Wars Day (May 4), White House will be perched next to one of the Bennies’ and Johnnies’ favorite watering holes, Bad Habit Brewery. Looking further into the amenities the White House offers, one major aspect to touch on is where the house lies on the rage meter. Per our friends, the St. Joseph Police Department, they are sitting very solid on the meter of raging. This can be credited to their spacious, long and skinny detached garage. It provides one of the best off-campus locales for a dance party. Lastly, the White House offers rich mahogany flooring, rustic barn wood molding, as well as a single birch tree which shades their vast pasture of grass pleasantly.

Runner-up at No. 2 in our “Game of Homes” series, it comes to no surprise that Yellow House made the cut. Whether it be the location of this impeccable structure, or the rustic bonfire pit bestowed in their spacious garden of grass, one can’t lose when living in a home with Yellow House’s caliber. Along with the location and fire pit, Yellow has plenty of other beautiful features that some classify as blemishes. Little do those naysayers know that once polished, those blemishes become diamonds. Therefore, we now nickname the Yellow House, “Diamond in the Ruff.” So what are these diamonds we are talking about that people are not seeing? Well, to start, Yellow House has fantastic neighbors to their east, they have internal house composting (where you just leave your garbage inside until it decomposes) and a sometimes clean solid oak hardwood flooring. As far as where Yellow House lies on the rage meter, that informational is confidential. That said, the house does seem as though has passed its prime. However, the current tenants have been doing some renovations and kindly removed some walls in order to meet the current desires within the housing market, an open floor plan.

Finally coming in at No. 1 in the unbiased off-campus housing power rankings is Sal’s West. This immaculate home is located in the heart of the community on 117 W Minnesota St. or can also be found residing between the well-known bar and grill, Sal’s, and a home with an almost as lengthy history, Yellow House. Built in 1900—60 years before Tommy Hall—this five bedroom, 1.25 bath offers the best money can rent: hardwood flooring (laminate), timeless white crown molding which adds class and sophistication, a lush front lawn with well-kept hedges, 0-30 parking spots, double door entryway to ensure sustainable heat efficiencies, half of a spiral staircase, beautiful light fixtures throughout the entire household and even rooftop access. The 5:1.25 tenant to bathroom ratio gives a tremendous opportunity to bond with and know your roommates more than one could imagine. The location offers quiet and respectful neighbors, extraordinary smells and odors, a location close to St. Ben’s campus and St. Joe shops and dining.

Honorable mention shout-out goes to Outskirts. We’ll never forget you. You’ll always hold a special place in many of our hearts. R.I.P.

Once again we would like to emphasize that this article has been written with any and all biases removed.

*Disclaimer: We live at Sal’s West.

FEATURED PHOTO COURTESY OF RILEY DREW, SJU ‘19