Stop the bells, lock the chapel. Distract the first-years with a free Keystone. Silence that kid who won’t stop playing piano in Gorecki, and with moist eyes, bring out my college coffin.
If you came here looking for advice, I advise you to read the damn horoscopes. I don’t really have any advice, and I don’t know why only one staircase in the Quad goes to the fourth floor and the other stops at floor two. Maybe it was a hint that man wasn’t meant to climb four flights of stairs.
What I do know is that one of the best things I ever did while going here was deciding to sign up for an account at garyspizza.com. Currently I am 12 points away from finally getting a free large pepperoni, jalapeño, no onions pizza. Like the expression goes, “Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land hopefully in a warm, greasy slice of Gary’s pizza.”
As for being scared about entering the real world, one of my professors pointed out that we all are already in the real word since we could die or fall in love tomorrow. I don’t really have time to worry about what that means; I’m more focused on trying to get a fair deal on how much rent is per month if I choose to live in Stickworks next fall. Some sophomore stuck in Tommy Hall is trying out bid me, but the squirrel population has some questions about his character.
Before I go and live with the sticks there is something I would like to say. Whether you are first-years and are excited to no longer be on the bottom of the rung, or if you’re a sophomore looking forward to Flynntown, or a junior psyched you don’t have to read my columns anymore, I just want say from the bottom of my heart (in all sincerity, from the bottom of my liver) you guys walk too slow. I’m serious. I don’t know what I have wasted more time doing, deleting Bulletin Board emails or getting slowed down heading to class by slow walkers.
I would be amiss though if I didn’t mention how we lost a legend of a musician this past week, George Jones, the possum, and writer of what some say to be the greatest country song ever written. I think he said it best in one of his songs when he said, “When you’re ugly like us, you just naturally got to be cool.” Words I live by.