022 pmlundberg@csbsju.edu
Welcome back, Bennies and Johnnies! We hope your break was luxurious and full of scandal. While spending Christmas break huddled in front of the warm, glowing TV, we came to the conclusion that Twitter has surpassed CNN and C-Span as the best news source in America. For those of you who are still using a typewriter and think Wi-Fi is a type of inner Chi, Twitter is a micro-blogging service. The problem is, the quality of reporting is somewhere between The National Inquirer and E! News. In light of this fact, since our New Year’s resolution is to surpass Lady Gaga in followers, we decided to dedicate this week’s column to raising the awareness of Tweet grammar. In our opinion, if you follow our advice, you may get as many retweets as Spencer Pratt’s famous,
“Having no friends makes life super easy.”
The first step to improving your Twitter skills is knowing your verbs and adjectives. These words are to a Tweet as eye of newt is to witches’ brew. The more powerful they are, the more eye catching your Tweet will be. For example, you could simply Tweet, “Cleaning the gutters,” but you should follow Conan O’Brien’s example: “Just hired some out-of-work NBA players to swat raccoons off my roof.”
The use of the words “swat” and “hired” add a sense of urgency and passion to an otherwise mundane task.
However, sometimes real words are not enough to convey your feelings, and it is necessary to create your own vocabulary. This problem often occurs when you are very excited or a rap artist. Use Jessica Simpson’s Tweet as inspiration: “DALLAS!!!! This is how we do it!! Soooooo proud! I have chillbumps!”
No one really knows what chillbumps are, but they sound scandalous. If you Tweet, “Just got a totally awesome toupee wipe for the party tonight!!” people will be more intrigued about your actions and may even come to your parties for once.
Another essential aspect of a Tweet is the truth. The most vital rule of thumb when Tweeting is to never tell the truth. The truth is boring. Although usually “the truth will set you free,” it will actually liberate you of all your followers. Most daily tasks are pretty uninteresting. Tweeting about going to eat at the Ref. or walking up the stairs cannot even excite Richard Simmons. However, with a little elaboration, these Tweets can even electrify Professor Snape. For instance, saying “I was jazzercising to the Ref. when I realized that I forgot my Ron Paul workout video!” is compelling and has the potential to raise a political discussion. Think outside the box; as “Twilight” has shown, the more fanciful, the better.
Don’t feel bad if you are late to join the Twitter train. Up until recently, Phill had been under the assumption Twitter was the noise a young girl made when she laughed, and Andrew thought it was a form of body wash. As long as you keep our advice in mind, you will be tweeting like Kayne West in no time.
If you need further assistance, feel free to follow us at ThePulse109. Twitter has become the glue that binds our community together; get stuck in it.