Now that Minnesota’s god of winter has started to set up shop, your most valuable extremity has come under assault. Your lips are just starting to go through their winter phase, which, in Minnesota, stretches until a brief period of summer in July. This is a problem not only for your lips, but also for your love life. There is only one solution: Chapstick. You have learned all your life to avoid addiction, but we say Chapstick should be the one exception.
Without Chapstick, your lips will become coarser than Mickey Rourke’s face. This can lead to unpleasant bleeding and roughness, which besides being uncomfortable, are elements in the formula for bad kissing. Unless you are an extreme Twilight fan and love the taste of blood during a hard make-out session, Chapstick is a must. Only Edward Cullen and Bill Compton enjoy a delicious, bloody mouth. You are more likely to garner a kiss if you use Chapstick. As Katy Perry pointed out, when kissing a girl, the most alluring element was the taste of the cherry Chapstick.
This can be proved through personal experience. We polled six Bennies on a scale of repulsed to inclined, and they were all more motivated to kiss Phill if he used Chapstick. The extra shimmer and smooth texture provide incentive, making your lips a more enticing object for a prospective date. Unlike listening to the dulcet tones of Cody Simpson, though, too much Chapstick can be a bad thing, which is why it is important to know the proper application techniques.
The most important thing to keep in mind is the amount applied to your lips. Too much Chapstick and your tongue will skid off the runway and you will end up playing a game of lip slip-and-slide. On the other hand, not enough Chapstick is just like putting a coat of grease on a piece of sandpaper. A good medium is always the best route. You can tell when this is achieved by running your tongue over your lips. If it glides without accumulating Chapstick of its own, you know you have attained perfection.
We have created a surefire technique that guarantees that you reach this level. First of all, never consider using other brands of lip balm like Blistex and Carmex. This is the equivalent of having MC Hammer host the Grammys instead of Lady Gaga. There is no comparison. Circle your lips once with the Chapstick, then smack them gently to ensure proper absorption. Only through this method can you achieve perfection.
Take chapped lips seriously. We have seen too many Bennies and Johnnies let their lips succumb to winter’s harsh kiss. If your body is a temple, treat your lips like the Holy Grail. There is only one drawback to a Chapstick addiction, though. Once you become addicted to Chapstick you will become obsessed with the question: where do lost Chapsticks go?