This week, we are here to remind you of an upcoming holiday: Thanksgiving. Despite the turkey’s best efforts at erasing this holiday by promoting Christmas exclusively, we have not forgotten the trauma that is Thanksgiving supper.
Because Sear’s has already received a visit from the big man, Santa, Christmas decorations may already be muffling your Thanksgiving spirit. However, they cannot cover the true essence of Thanksgiving – awkwardness. Awkwardness and Thanksgiving are, unlike Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, inseparable. This relationship often leads to tears, ruining a delicious meal. We ran Thanksgiving supper through the same awkwardness formula by which we judge MTV shows and discovered the main perpetrators are Grandmas. Grandmas can put their feet in their mouths more frequently than Kanye West at the VMAs. We believe if you follow our advice, you can avoid the inevitable uncomfortable situations that await you around the table.
The first step is identification. This cannot be achieved without careful surveillance. Think of Harry Caul in the movie “The Conversation”: you want to be aware of your tablemates’ every move, primarily focusing on Grandma. Watch her more diligently than you keep up with Zooey Deschanel’s or Nick Jonas’s relationship status. Warning signs, besides the obvious motion of opening her mouth, include: intense staring lasting longer than ten seconds, a sudden jump in her chair signaling a new memory, or any talk about grandchildren and the process of making them in general. Any of these are a sure sign of a questioning of your dating life, whether she asks when you are finally settling down or starts telling an awkward story about her golden years before she met Grandpa.
Now that you have been taught how to identify the potential warning signs Gram-Gram gives off just before doing something awkward, you need to know how to avoid the attack all together. During this stage of Thanksgiving dinner, there is no room for error or hesitation. Once you identify Gram’s making a move, you need to react. If you sense Grandma beginning to say something uncomfortable, try to force-feed her some of your obnoxious aunt’s extremely overcooked and chewy “mystery hot dish.” Not only will this keep her mouth full for an extended period of time, but she will be way too distracted trying to keep her dentures from separating from her gums that she will most likely forget all about her planned inappropriate comment. Grandma’s life may have mirrored Blanche’s from “Golden Girls,” but your table is not the place for a senior sitcom.
In a worst-case scenario, when you are completely caught off guard by one of Grandmama’s comments, you can try to play off her less-than-stellar eyesight. If you are out of her visual range, try and convince her you really are a much younger cousin. This way, even Grams will recognize that asking you if you have ever seen your parents naked is inappropriate for a seven-year-old and probably just give you more dessert instead.
Thanksgiving is a time to be cherished. If you follow our advice, Grandma might be deprived of a matchmaking opportunity, but your appetite and ego will be satisfied. If worse comes to worst, make sure you have a relationship beforehand. You do not want to end up like Phil, forced to utilize Grandma as his wingman out on the town because he made eye contact and was drawn into a conversation.