The new version of “The Three Musketeers” contains everything from a person receiving a ticket because their horse poops on the street to ships that fly. “The Three Musketeers,” directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, is an action spoof that contains clichés and references from countless movies, such as “The Princess Bride,” “Indiana Jones,” “Hook” and “Crouching Tiger,” “Hidden Dragon,” to name a few. But this film lacks pizzazz because they try too hard. Unlike films such as “Inglorious Basterds,” this film is missing an element of pastiche that hooks the viewers. The film is lackluster and, frankly, terrible.
“The Three Musketeers” begins in Italy during the seventeenth century and only three men can prevent Europe from exploding and entering into war. Athos, Porthos and Aramis are introduced along with Milady, a seductive double agent who uses Athos to discover the Musketeer’s tricks. A year later, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman), a small country boy, says goodbye to his parents and travels to Paris. He miraculously runs into the Musketeers, and the boy begins fighting an army of forty men because they insulted his horse and they would not apologize. The four men defeat the forty men. After the fight, the Musketeers take D’Artagnan back to their house and he discovers that the Musketeer’s daily duties include drinking and quarreling. D’Artagnan bluntly tells them that they are not as heroic as he thought they would be. Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) is cold and unfriendly because of Milady, who he loved until she revealed she was a double agent. Aramis (Luke Evans) is a former priest and every time he fights, he prays for his victims. Porthos (Ray Stevenson) is a vulgar drunkard. The Musketeers are looking for a cause to fight for and they find one when the Queen’s diamond necklace is believed to be stolen by Buckingham (Orlando Bloom), the Duke of London. The Three Musketeers and D’Artagnan travel to London in attempt to retrieve the Queen’s precious necklace. The talented Christopher Waltz plays Richelieu, a French Cardinal, who is actively involved in politics, and hires Milady to plot against King Louis VIII of France.
There is an element of romance in the film. D’Artagnan has a crush on one of the Queen’s ladies in waiting, whose character name is literally “Blonde.” King Louis VIII is also in love with the Queen. I do not want to ruin the ending for you because I am sure you are dying to know whether these couples end up together and if the Queen receives her necklace, so I will refrain myself.
Overall, the film is boring and predictable, and the title is misleading because there are actually four Musketeers in this film. If you want to see a superb movie, spend your money going to see “The Ides of March.” Do not waste your time on this one-hundred and ten minute film. Rent the classy spoof “The Princess Bride” from the library and save your money. Lord knows we need it for tuition.